Trump Hasn’t Been Tested For Coronavirus Despite Possible Exposure, And Refuses To Take Precautio…
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Trump Hasn’t Been Tested For Coronavirus Despite Possible Exposure, And Refuses To Take Precautio…

March 11, 2020


WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO
“THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. CORONAVIRUS IS ALL ANYONE’S
TALKING ABOUT, AND I’LL TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE TONIGHT IN
TONIGHT’S EDITION OF “GOIN’ VIRAL.”>>TOUCH MY BODY.>>Stephen: THERE ARE NOW HOW
MANY? OVER 900 CONFIRMED CASES OF THE
CORONAVIRUS IN 36 STATES, AND ONE OF THE WORST HIT STATES IS
RIGHT HERE, NEW YORK. ♪ START SPREADING THE FLUS ♪
( APPLAUSE )
MUCH OF THE ACTIVITY HERE HAS
CENTERED AROUND SUBURBAN NEW ROCHELLE, WHICH HAS THE LARGEST
CLUSTER OF THESE CASES IN THE UNITED STATES. WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, WE GOT A
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND MAN WHO JUST HEARD
SOMEONE COUGH, ANDREW CUOMO.( LAUGHTER )
GOVERNOR QOAM ON ANNOUNCED PLANS TO ENFORCE A CONTAINMENT
AREA FOR A ONE-MILE RADIUS AROUND THE CENTER OF THE
CLUSTER. OH, WHAT A CLUSTERSUCK.( LAUGHTER )
AS PART OF THE RESPONSE, GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS CALLED IN THE
NATIONAL GUARD. “NATIONAL GUARD”? “CONTAINMENT AREA”? THESE ARE “FAMILY FEUD” ANSWERS
FOR THE QUESTION “NAME SOMETHING YOU HEAR IN A ZOMBIE
APOCALYPSE.”( LAUGHTER )
SHOW ME: “OH, GOD! HE’S EATING MY BRAIN!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, THE NATIONAL GUARD IS NOT
THERE TO ENFORCE THE CONTAINMENT AREA. INSTEAD, THEY ARE GOING “TO HELP
WITH THE CLEANING OF PUBLIC SPACES AND TO DELIVER FOOD TO
HOMES.” AND I THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF
THE AREA’S NEW DOMINO’S GUY.( LAUGHTER )
BUT THIS IS A VERY BRAVE ACTION BEING TAKEN BY THESE GUARDSMEN. SO, GUARDSMAN, I SALUTE YOU. OOPS, I’M TOUCHING MY FACE. NOW, PEOPLE IN THE AREA CAN
STILL TRAVEL FREELY, BUT THE CONTAINMENT ZONE “BLOCKS ANY
LARGE PUBLIC GATHERINGS IN THE AREA, TO PREVENT FURTHER
TRANSMISSION OF THE VIRUS.” OH, SO IT’S JUST A PRECAUTION. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. IN FACT, GOVERNOR CUOMO TRIED TO
CALM ANXIOUS RESIDENTS, SAYING, “THIS IS, LITERALLY, A MATTER OF
LIFE AND DEATH.”( LAUGHTER )
SHOW ME “LITERALLY A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH”! BIG CHOICE. A GOOD ONE.>>Jon: DING, DING, DING,
NUMBER ONE!>>Stephen: NUMBER ONE ANSWER! BECAUSE OF ANXIETY OVER THE
CORONAVIRUS, EVERYBODY WANTS TO STAY STERILE, AND THAT HAS LED
TO A LOT OF PRICE GOUGING IN THE STATE. FOR INSTANCE, PURELL WAS SELLING
FOR $79 IN ONE MANHATTAN HARDWARE STORE. WELL, SIDE SAY THAT’S CERTAINLY
NOT… A TRUE VALUE.( LAUGHTER )
IN RESPONSE– IN RESPONSE, YESTERDAY, NEW YORK
STATE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL BE PRODUCING ITS OWN HAND
SANITIZER, TO BE AVAILABLE AT LOCAL GOVERNMENT AND STATE
AGENCY OFFICES. AND, SINCE IT’S NEW YORK, IT
WILL ALSO BE AVAILABLE ON A FOLDING TABLE NEXT TO A FAKE
LOUIS VUITTON CLUTCH, USED PAPERBACKS, AND A BOOTLEG DVD OF
“MISTER POPPER’S PENGUINS.”( LAUGHTER )
NOW WHEN– WHEN–( APPLAUSE )
WHEN GOVERNOR CUOMO MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT, HE DID IT WITH
STYLE.>>OPEN THE CURTAIN, PLEASE. WE ARE INTRODUCING NEW YORK
STATE CLEAN HAND SANITIZER MADE CONVENIENTLY BY THE STATE OF NEW
YORK.>>Stephen: HERE’S WHAT TROUBLES
ME: I SHOULDN’T BE THIS EXCITED SANITIZER.( LAUGHTER )
IF THIS WERE “THE PRICE IS RIGHT,” WHEN THAT CURTAIN OPENED
IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE THIS. ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW–
>>Jon: THAT’S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, RIGHT ON.>>Stephen: THE GOVERNOR
HELPFULLY DEMONSTRATED HOW TO USE HAND SANITIZER.>>IT HAS A VERY NICE FLORAL
BOUQUET. I DETECT LILAC, HYDRANGEA,
TULIPS.>>Stephen: (AS CUOMO)
“LILAC, HYDRANGEA, TULIPS. AND SINCE THIS IS NEW YORK, ALL
OF THAT IS BEING OVERPOWERED BY GARBAGE, AND SUBWAY POOP THAT
YOU HOPE IS FROM A DOG.” MMM. MMM. MMM.( APPLAUSE )
ALTHOUGH, DON’T GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THAT FLORAL BOUQUET, AS
CUOMO EXPLAINS:>>JUST TO CLARIFY, I SAID THIS
HAD A FLORAL BOUQUET. THAT WAS A JOKE.( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: IT’S NOT REALLY A JOKE IF YOU JUST SAY
SOMETHING THAT COULD BE TRUE BUT ISN’T.( LAUGHTER )
“HEY, GUYS, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!” “OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
“IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY. THAT WAS A JOKE. HEY, EVERYBODY! TED HERE THINKS I TELL THE TRUTH
WHEN I TALK. WHAT A JACKASS! BY THE WAY, WHY DOES EVERYONE
HATE ME?” FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS HAD A HUGE
EFFECT ON THE ECONOMY. YESTERDAY, THE DOW FELL 2,000
POINTS, SO THE PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY HELD A PRESS
CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE HIS PLAN TO PLAN TO HAVE A PLAN TO DO
STUFF.>>WE’RE GOING TO BE MEETING
WITH HOUSE REPUBLICANS– MITCH McCONNELL, EVERYBODY– AND
DISCUSSING A POSSIBLE PAYROLL TAX CUT OR RELIEF, SUBSTANTIAL
RELIEF, VERY SUBSTANTIAL RELIEF. WE’RE ALSO GOING TO BE TALKING
ABOUT HOURLY WAGE EARNERS GETTING HELP SO THAT THEY CAN BE
IN A POSITION WHERE THEY’RE NOT GOING TO EVER MISS A PAYCHECK. WE’LL BE WORKING WITH COMPANIES
AND SMALL COMPANIES, LARGE COMPANIES– A LOT OF COMPANIES–
SO THAT THEY DON’T GET PENALIZED FOR SOMETHING THAT’S NOT THEIR
FAULT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I’M HERE WITH MITCH McCONNELL AND OTHERS TO ANNOUNCE
HASTILY-THROWN-TOGETHER MEASURES THAT FEEL LIKE I’M THROWING
HANDFULS OF DRY DOG FOOD AT A CHARGING TIGER. HERE’S A TAX CUT! MAYBE SOME LOANS! SUBSTANTIAL RELIEFS! FOR EVERYBODY! SMALL COMPANIES! FAT COMPANIES! SEXY COMPANIES! UGLY COMPANIES! TELL ME WHEN ONE OF THESE WORKS. ANYBODY SEND UP A FLARE.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TODAY, TRUMP EMERGED TO ADDRESS A WORRIED NATION ABOUT THE VIRUS
FROM THE CAPITOL BUILDING’S OFFICIAL CHAMBER OF ECHOES.>>JUST STAY CALM. IT WILL GO AWAY. BE CALM. IT’S REALLY WORKING OUT. AND A LOT OF GOOD THINGS ARE
GONNA HAPPEN.>>Stephen: REALLY?( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I KEPT TELLING MYSELF ABOUT YOU, AND
THREE YEARS IN, NO GOOD THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE PRESIDENT SEEMED TO DOWNPLAY HOW MANY AMERICANS MIGHT BE IN
DANGER.>>Reporter: HAVE YOU BEEN
BRIEFED THAT UP TO 100 MILLION AMERICANS COULD ULTIMATELY BE
EXPOSED TO THE VIRUS?>>I’VE BEEN BRIEFED ON EVERY
CONTINGENCY YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE, MANY CONTINGENCIES,
A LOT OF POSITIVE, DIFFERENT NUMBERS. ALL DIFFERENT NUMBERS. VERY LARGE NUMBERS. AND SOME SMALL NUMBERS TOO,
BY THE WAY.( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP) “BIG NUMBERS, LIKE ‘SEVENTY-TEEN
BERZILLION.’ SMALL NUMBERS, LIKE ‘3’ AND IT’S
A ‘3 IN A REALLY, REALLY TINY FONT.’
THE POINT IS, I KNOW ALL OF THE NUMBERS AND MOST OF THE
LETTERS. “L.” “P.” “M.” YOU’D THINK TRUMP WOULD BE
TAKING THE THREAT OF THE CORONAVIRUS MORE SERIOUSLY THAN
THIS SINCE HE MIGHT HAVE IT. SEE, SOMEONE AT THE CONSERVATIVE
POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE, OR CPAC, LATER TESTED POSITIVE FOR
CORONAVIRUS. AND SOME REPUBLICANS, LIKE
SENATOR TED CRUZ AND REPRESENTATIVES PAUL GOSAR AND
MATT GAETZ HAVE HAD TO SELF-QUARANTINE AT HOME. OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE
WITH THEIR FAMILIES.( LAUGHTER )
THE MOST RECENT PERSON–( CHEERS )
THE MOST RECENT PERSON IN TRUMP’S ORBIT TO SELF-QUARANTINE
IS REPRESENTATIVE MARK MEADOWS, WHO PRESIDENT TRUMP JUST LAST
WEEK SELECTED AS HIS NEXT ACTING CHIEF OF STAFF. THAT IS A ROUGH START TO A NEW
JOB. “WELCOME ABOARD, MARK! HERE’S YOUR KEYCARD. SNACK ROOM’S DOWN THERE. PARKING’S IN THE REAR. NOW GET OUT OF HERE FOR TWO
WEEKS WHILE WE BURN EVERYTHING YOU TOUCHED.” ONE REPUBLICAN WHO HAS REFUSED
TO SELF-QUARANTINE IS TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE GOHMERT,
SEEN HERE SNORTING THE STEEPLE.( LAUGHTER )
GOHMERT ALSO CAME IN CONTACT WITH THE CORONAVIRUS PATIENT AT
CPAC, BUT HE HAS DECLINED TO SELF-ISOLATE AFTER A PHYSICIAN
SAID HE COULD RETURN TO WORK IF HE OBSERVED “PROPER HYGIENE
PROTOCOLS.” SOUNDS OKAY, BUT YESTERDAY,
RATHER THAN LIMIT NON-ESSENTIAL INTERACTIONS, GOHMERT CHOSE
INSTEAD TO LEAD A LARGE GROUP OF CHILDREN AROUND THE CAPITOL THAT
CONSISTED OF WELL OVER 100 KIDS.( AS GOHMERT )
DISEASE VECTORS! YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION
‘CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE’? WELL, WE’RE GONNA TEST THAT
THEORY TODAY! OKAY, HIGH-FIVE! HIGH-FIVE! COME ON.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AT THE ECONOMIC PRESS CONFERENCE, REPORTERS ASKED
MIKE PENCE ABOUT WHETHER TRUMP HAS BEEN TESTED.>>Reporter: HAS THE PRESIDENT
BEEN TESTED? SIR, HE’S BEEN IN CONTACT WITH
PEOPLE WHO WERE IN PROXIMITY TO SOMEBODY WHO HAD THE VIRUS.>>LET ME BE SURE TO GET YOU AN
ANSWER TO THAT. I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER
TO THE QUESTION.>>Stephen: (AS PENCE)
“WE DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION,
BECAUSE WE KEEP PUTTING THE SWABS IN HIS MOUTH AND HE KEEPS
EATING THEM. HE THINKS THEY’RE TINY COTTON
CANDIES.” SO PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO IS NOW
SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE INTO SELF-QUARANTINE, STILL
HASN’T BEEN TESTED FOR CORONAVIRUS. THAT MEANS WE’LL JUST HAVE TO
KEEP OUR EYES OPEN FOR ANY SIGNS OF SICKNESS, LIKE MENTAL
FOGGINESS, OR POOR SLEEP, THINNING HAIR, AND STRANGE
COLORING. NOT ONLY HAS TRUMP NOT BEEN
TESTED. HE SEEMS PROUD OF THE FACT THAT
HE’S NOT TAKING ANY PRECAUTIONS TO PROTECT THE
PEOPLE AROUND HIM. FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY, TRUMP
ARRIVED IN FLORIDA AND IMMEDIATELY BEGAN SHAKING HANDS
WITH PEOPLE WAITING AT THE AIRPORT. YIKES! THAT’S LIKE NOT USING PROTECTION
WHEN HAVING SEX WITH A PORN STAR YOU JUST MET AT A GOLF
TOURNAMENT.( LAUGHTER )
WHO WOULD DO THAT! WHO? WOULD? ♪ ♪ ♪
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. CHARLES BARKLEY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JOE BIDEN
GETS FEISTY. STICK AROUND!

Only registered users can comment.

  1. Of course you will discuss the coronavirus. You will joke about it, At the same time claiming Trump isn’t serious enough about! Retarded liberals come here to get their news. Once again the DNC is rigging the election against Bernie Sanders. While at the same time trying to force the Democrat voters to vote for an old Alzheimer infected, hair sniffing, career politician hack! Look at the stupidity and ridiculousness of the New York governor, he’s a liberal Democrat. You are laughing at him! You should be, because he’s A representation of how Democrats would deal with The coronavirus.

  2. Soap works better. The surfactants break the coronavirus's fatty outer layer. Sorry it doesn't do anything to remove the virus in the White House.

  3. Turning a crisis townhall meeting into an advertisment of state produced hand sanitizer, thats the most American thing i've seen in a long time.

  4. Trump just spit balling even when he throws around those claims to be a genius or getting the wall built by Mexico and shit. I mean an American wall will just fall down anyway right? Lol…. many are saying of course. Maybe most all even….

  5. Hey their making an effort. praise the effort, don't criticize or make fun unless you can do better. Especially the guard.

  6. A world of chaos gone chaUs … with a VirUs … offers the impetUs … to paUSe for a moment of reflection in this weird worldwide connection – and perhaps induce a transformation. Here's what Coronalisa has to say :-):http://synchronistory.com/4615-2/

  7. Trump does not need to get tested. He is immune to human viruses, since he is a reptilian. Thank God for that.

  8. this is the most degenerate move he's made to date. how much does anyone believe that this "tax cut" won't somehow greatly benefit the rich more than hourly workers?

  9. Couldn't had happened to a nicer man. Let just hope this case it would be fetal to this orange Turd. If he hit the bucket, Party at my house , wooo-whooooo !!

  10. You are adding to the paranoia. If he's asymptomatic there is no point of testing him, because it will probably be negative. There isn't enough tests available to waste in on people who are not sick. And even if Trump gets it, what's the worst that could happen? He might be one of the 97% of people who survive this thing, but he's old and unhealthy enough that it hopefully won't happen.

  11. Companies will have a payroll tax reduction because all their employees won't be working so not earning money to be taxed.I thought Trump would be the one to destroy the economy,who knew it would be a different kind of virus.

  12. “I’ve been briefed on every contingency you can possibly imagine. I just choose to ignore the experts on this one… and everything…”

  13. a token tool; a sociopathic, compulsive lying narcissist; and a piece of white bread that calls his wife mother walk into a bar…..

  14. Everyone is making fun of this virus situation but it will lead to massive losses to the world economy if it lasts too long.I'm sure it's serious,but there's also been a massive over reaction as well.We don't panic ever year over the flu and those shots aren't overly effective,so why are we freaking out over this.

  15. They should make free soap, which is safer and recommended by health professionals over sanitizer. Seriously, government, get a freaking clue, shit up and let the health experts take charge, thanks.

  16. Aren't comedians tired of making Trump jokes when he always gets the last laugh, especially considering he has the guts to continue his rallying, shake hands, meet, greet etc when other candidates hv cancelled😐

  17. Impeach Trump based on him being a threat to national security, not being tested, firing the national pandemic team and mismanaging an epidemic, what an idiot!

  18. Trump did one thing good, he signed into law something to help protect animals! So credit where credit is due… 1 time in three years, but better than never in 3 years.

  19. from a lockdown Italy, is frightening to see how the coronavirus is addressed in other countries, and specially in the States. Good luck everybody! Please take all precautionary measures as soon as possible!

  20. In this case Trump is right. Just fyi, without actual symptoms the test is worthless. If he feels well, he is wasting a test. This is part of why there's concern. For up to 14 days you are just a walking brewery.

  21. We need to nuke the country that starts virus infections!!!! Its always those cat, dog and rat eating countrys (like india/china) those people should have their own planet!

  22. What does trump care if thousands of Americans die from the virus, his concern is with the markets and his numbers. Every country is trying to limit the spread, America is doing the opposite-does that make America great or look like an idiot?

  23. Why does anyone bother to ask trump questions half the time he has no idea what he is talking about and the other half is nothing but lies?

  24. I seriously hope trump has covid 19 and does from it, that way american can put this bullshit presidency behind us

  25. Soooo, since hand sanitizer is 99% Ethel Alcohol, I put some rubbing alcohol (isopropyl) into an empty handsoap foam dispenser…walaa! Make sure to rub your hands till the alcohol is evaporated, Isopropyl alcohol is the same thing we use to sterilize someone's arm before giving them and injection

  26. is anyone else concerned that stephen didn't even mention the fact that those NY sanitizers are being produced by prisoners? he's got a pretty wide audience of moderate Democrats, I'd hope he'd make that very large detail — which is mentioned in the headlines he cites — clear.

  27. Okay to all the morons out there thinking that Purell is going to save their life health and disease officials have already stated that this is an airborne disease and washing your hands will not prevent nor be the cause of you catching this disease

  28. Anyone else thinking that after Trump gets reelected in Nov by Jan the vaccine for the CV will be available?
    He put the tarrifs on china and china said here try this.

  29. The cluster in Westchester County first came to the authorities’ attention last week, when a lawyer who lives in New Rochelle and works in Manhattan, Lawrence Garbuz, became the second person in New York to be diagnosed with coronavirus last week.

  30. Wait. If goverment decides to participate in paid sick leave for workers, isn’t that the kind of European socialism America hates most?

  31. if you sell your soul to the Devil and spend 50 years eating only cheeseburgers, you don't worry about viruses

  32. Wadanidiot! We should have started testing long ago. Him taking the test would have been a positive example.

  33. I'll say it again. 45 used a condom with Stormy Daniels. No chief executive is that stupid. But even more smart was Stormy who knew she could call and raise the sex to unprotected because 45 could not – at any cost – even acknowledge the sex at all. That was brilliant.

  34. Why would he or anyone get tested when professional doctors advised against doing so?? The tiger thing was kinda funny though

  35. As a preventative measure, lock the Orangeutan in the basement… until the food at the door stops disappearing.

  36. not so fun facts from the CDC website….for the REGULAR FLU worldwide last year 34 million people got it..350k were hospitalized….and there were 80k related deaths…surprising data…what pandemic.??.

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